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28th December 2020

Dear Diary,

On a personal level 2020 leaves me with extremely mixed feelings. My flatmates and I have shared residences for a decade now. Something positive. This year I was able to buy a home, for the first time. Another positive. I'm mindful that many many many people have not achieved such milestones. With relationship and / or shelter remaining elusive. However, flatmates do not always mean emotional support. And home ownership brings chores that renting often avoids.
Home ownership certainly brings a degree of security that renting lacks, and that takes much stress off my shoulders. It also brings roof repairs (for the carport) in high speed winds and laying cement slabs for an extra shed. Then there is incentive (flatmate wants it for us) rather than will to remodel the garden, front and back. And social activity with neighbours when I'm not mentally wanting too. The former saps my physical energy and the latter my emotional energy. Both drain time away from personally important activities.
These energy drains impede recovery from the deep and ongoing depression and trauma issues that leave me in quicksand. Lack of emotional support exacerbates these issues. Being in a relatively (compared to Sydney) strange place cuts my roots off although Sydney was poisoning them.
However, I am researching the local history and geography of this strange place. And so doing find new roots growing while grieving the loss of Sydney. More time for personal pursuits has been negotiated and this blog entry is a significant outcome. Writing, reading, and organising my online world, provide emotional support while the time they involve reduces the perception of this house as a millstone around my neck. Time is found to enjoy this house rather than serve it.
So, 2020, and yes I have been impacted by this Covid 19 pandemic, leaves me with mixed feelings that I have little energy to explore despite these words being written. Strong positives and strong negatives that don't cancel each other out. Rather, leaving me emotionless and unwilling to face either joy or pain. A most unhealthy place to be. Wanting to choose neither death or life.
Hugs,
Julie.